Capitol Corruption Exclusive: Prosecutor to Charge Rove, Novak with Incest


EWM - (July 17, 2005) Eyewitness Muse has learned that Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has settled on a groundbreaking strategy to bring justice to the primary culprits behind the leaking of a CIA operative’s identity. He will charge White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove and syndicated columnist Robert Novak with incest.

Our source, speaking on triple super secret, cross-my-heart and hope-to-die background, told EWM that Fitzgerald has concluded that the scandal is a by-product of the collusion of people that “ought not to have been in bed with one another.”

Fitzgerald told the grand jurors that “our democracy is much like a family, with each member having a role. When the government and the media scheme to take revenge against a citizen, it’s just like a daddy having sex with his daughter. Karl Rove and Robert Novak have violated this taboo by ‘outing’ Valerie Plame and covering each other’s tracks. You should indict these freaks for the crime that it is: incest!”

EWM has obtained a super-duper, double classified, cloak-and-dagger prosecution document that shows the daisy chain of deceit perpetrated by the pair. In it, Fitzgerald outlines his case:

“Rove and Novak are literally the chicken and the egg. Rove confirms her identity and claims innocence because Novak raised the question. Yet Novak prints her name and says he got it from ‘two senior administration officials.’ Rove says ‘I didn’t know her name, I didn’t leak her name.’ Novak says ‘they gave me the name and I used it,’ but adds that he ‘did not receive a planned leak.’

“This deliberate doubletalk was designed to deceive and sheds light on the conspiratorial, inappropriate and incestuous relationship between Karl Rove and Robert Novak,” wrote Fitzgerald.

On a related note, 9-1-1 emergency response records show that two of the grand jurors were treated for vertigo after hearing Rove’s testimony on the case. The jurors were said to be overcome by the witness’s “dizzyingly preposterous” explanation of how Plame’s name became public.

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it is his calling.

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