Fox Talking Noggins Catch Cat Scratch Fever

12/9/2004

In the coming days, we’ll learn much about the motives that led Nathan Gale to enter a Columbus night club last night and begin blasting away at the band and patrons–killing four before a heroic cop dropped him in his tracks.

In the meantime, cable news will fill the void with speculation over the why’s and what for’s. And while the Muse is reticent to admit this, when the news is random, bloody and bizarre, I tune to Fox. Not only will they be the first to produce a macabre graphic with sound effects, their tortured effort to fit every senseless tragedy into their political agenda actually amuses me. It takes the edge off of calamity and they did not fail me today.

Circa 12:15 p.m., Fox Talking Noggin David Asman was analyzing the story and introduced washed-up rocker turned gun-nut Ted Nugent to offer his two-cents. For those that have not followed his career, Nugent is a darling of the NRA and frequent guest at Republican conventions and such. They love him because he’ll say what’s really on their minds without having to own up to what he said. Kind of like how the Democrats use Michael Moore.

Take, for example, this Nugent diatribe with a Northwestern University student paper:

“The average response of citizens is to whimper and hide under a table. There’s got to be an entire network of civilian, armed deputies out there. It’s up to we, the people, to stop evil, and you can only do that with a gun…This liberal-tolerance mantra is like being tolerant of a dog foaming at the mouth that’s gnawing on your daughter’s leg. Shoot the f…king dog!”

Yikes! Memo to daughter-gnawing liberal-dogs everywhere: get a gun.

This brings us back to why I choose Fox when the subject is mayhem. I savor senseless perspective to help explain senseless tragedy. (And the Daily Show doesn’t come on till eleven.)

Fox’s Asman: We’re joined now by rock star Ted Nugent from Crawford, Texas [I’m not making that up]. Ted what’s your take on this incident?

Nugent: Well it goes to show how important it is to have a gun in the right hands when the shooting starts.

Fox’s Asman: That’s right…

If you are holding your breath for Asman to ask him about the gun in the wrong hands that started the bloody business, inhale or die. That touchy topic is not in the Fox script. And that’s why I love them. We daughter-gnawing liberal-dogs have to know our enemy.

Nugent’s moronic rationalization of this event reminds me of Archie Bunker’s famous solution to airline hijackings, “arm all the passengers.” Fox’s complicity reminds me why America will never have a heart-to-heart about serious gun control. A delusional minority controls the debate.

I’ll bet you a donut that a working majority of Americans would support new policies that respect the rights of hunters and sportsman while dropping the hammer on assault weapons, gun dealers and armed maniacs. It ain’t either/or folks. And it’s simply too damn easy for a nut to get a gun in this country.

As of this writing, I haven’t seen any news on why Nathan Gale shot-up the bar last night, but I’ll make a couple of predictions. We’ll learn that this guy had a history of instability and there was a bunch of people that knew of his fondness for guns. And my going out and buying one is not the answer to protecting us from the bastard.

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