Onward Christian Voyeurs

12/6/2006

Perhaps if I followed celebrity “news” I wouldn’t have been as perplexed about what you are about to read. I am a celebrity news snob. I hate it; don’t know a TomKat from a polecat. I thought for the longest time that Paris Hilton was a place to sleep over, until I found out…well you know what I mean.

It would take 700 to the seventh power Carl Sagans to calculate my disdain for the stuff. I just don’t keep up, despite the mainstream media’s never-ending quest to inform me about some damn supermodel whacking her sycophants or which movie star converted to Scientology.

But I was startled out of the celebrity-free zone today when I looked at EWM’s visitor logs and discovered that an upstanding Christian Web site’s search engine was sending its disciples my way as the result of searching the phrase “Britney Spears’ vagina.”

Oh, where to begin?

Let me start by establishing that this is factual, here is the link, EWM is presently number four. (If “Worthyseek” has since discovered and removed this transgression, you’ll just have to take me on faith.) Second, let me stipulate that the Musing to which the believers are directed, “Superficial Intelligence,” does contain the words “Britney Spears” and “vagina,” but not in that order. It would seem that the Boolean search is a Godless demon that cares not about context, only its quest for Britney’s vagina.

That solved, we come to the next mystery in this twisted tale. Why in heaven’s name are people suddenly so interested in young Britney’s nether region? A couple of quick searches revealed both the reason, and the region. Turns out, the young tart has apparently decided to lose the panties and the paparazzi have been snapping away at Spears’ snapper and spreading it across the Internet and in the trashy tabloids that pay for such stuff.

The fact that the traffic in search of Britney’s mother lode came from a Christian Web site is revealing. I have no way of knowing, but the guess here is that the searchers were hormonally-driven young boys for whom Britney’s cha-cha is the most heavenly destination on Earth.

It’s perfectly natural, I remember the day (albeit decades ago) when my “little Muse” obsessed over the rapture found south of Farrah Fawcett or Melanie Griffith’s navel. And had there been an Internet in those days that held promise of a glimpse, I’d have been Googling till my hands hurt.

In those days, the Muse also served as an alter boy and was thusly warned about the sins of the flesh–but the flesh was stronger than the warning. If the path to eternal damnation was paved with the sultry Pamela Grier then buy me a bicycle because I’m going to peddle straight to hell.

And if, by chance, one of you hormone-charged Christians should stumble across this Musing, disappointed, no doubt, at this Web site’s lack of Britney vaginal content, know this.

You won’t hear this from the preacher, but Jesus still loves you and you are okay. Just remember to always use protection and respect the woman after. You are not a sinner, you are normal human being doing what God intelligently designed you to do.

Now get out there and love thy neighbor, onward Christian voyeurs!

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