Second Verse, Same as the First


I swear, I’m going to get off this Republican scandal stuff. I can quit any time I want. I’m in complete control. Just indulge me tonight, I swear, I’ll stop tomorrow.

It’s just that I used to be the political version of that cartoon guy in the desert. You know the one, he’s crawling along, all wasted away, clothing shredded. Vultures waiting patiently.

But suddenly there was salvation. When the DeLay-Frist-Rove-Libby-Abramoff scandal spun out of control, it was more than a quench for a killing thirst. It was as if my rescuers had arrived in a Learjet with fine wine, silk pajamas and an exotic lady of the night.

Please give me this moment, just one more hit…

Not going gently into that good night.

Today’s commentary is very special. We are going on a field trip boys and girls.

We are going to Washington, D.C. to visit the neighborhood with the highest crime rate, Capitol Hill.

Our first stop is the office of the House Majority Leader. It will be historical to see because last week Tom DeLay stepped down because he got indicted. To learn all about the new leader, click here. Hurry back, I’ll be waiting.

Oh, you’re back and you’re screaming “what the fuck?”

You’re screaming “what the fuck” because Tom DeLay is still listed as “the Leader.” He’s been indicted three times, rebuked three times by the Ethics Committee, mixed up in a tawdry bunch of business with psycho-lobbyist Jack Abramoff, and told the world he was leaving.

But he’s still listed as the leader. What the fuck?

If DeLay was starring in a movie they’d call him Jason Kruger-Lechter. You can’t beat this guy with a hammer. He’s other worldly. He’s the face that comes around when Linda Blair’s head does the 360 in the Exorcist. He is the energy that keeps hair and fingernails growing after we die. As the great 20th Century philosopher Mojo Nixon might say, “DeLay is the anti-Elvis.”

Who’s in charge of the House Web site anyway?

All right students settle down. It’s conceivable that the Web site’s identification of DeLay as “Majority Leader” was an oversight. And since the notion of “oversight” has been a problem for this Congress, let’s go to the place where the people that run the House live, and tell them about the problem. Once again, hurry back. My time is valuable…

What’s that you say? Sounds like you’re screaming “what the fuck?” again.

And that’s because you’ve discovered that the chieftain of the House Administration Committee is none other than Bob Ney, a DeLay demon-child who’s up to his greasy elbows in the Abramoff scandal.

Turns out Ney went along on a $120,000 Scottish golf outing with the indicted Abramoff; the same trip for which White House henchman David Safavian was arrested for attending and lying about.

If you are getting dizzy, sit down and put your head between your knees. Scandal vertigo is not a condition to be taken lightly. And what you are about to hear will only make it worse.

The trip Ney took was paid for by “Indian casino interests” after Abramoff told the interested Indians that, “our friend asked if we could help [read that “pay for"] a Scotland golf trip.”

Ney’s nuts are in a cracker over this because he told the House ethics office that the trip’s purpose was to address Scottish Parliament and meet with British officials. Turns out, he did nothing of the sort. Scottish Parliament wasn’t even in session and no one in London recalls seeing Ney.

In a tortured clarification, Ney’s spokesman said that the congressman “wasn’t giving a formal speech” and “met with a number of folks over there,” but doesn’t “have any names.”

Here’s the nub of it, Ney went golfing with two guys now under indictment for influence-peddling related charges. He lied to the Ethics Committee about the nature of the trip, but still sits atop the House Administration Committee, which is in charge of oversight of “campaign contributions to House candidates.”

I somehow doubt he’s in a hurry to see DeLay purged from the payroll.

Second verse, same as the first.

If you thought the unpleasantness surrounding thrice indicted Majority Leader Tom DeLay would put the kibosh on Capitol Hill corruption, think again.

The Republican bench is deep, loyal and hopelessly addicted to the bling-bling that is their reward for converting the People’s house into a whorehouse. Ain’t no sheriff bad enough to take them down. Disabuse yourself of that silly notion immediately.

It’s up to the voters, but you better vote often because one of their big contributors makes the voting machines and I’m not making that up.

Enjoy the headlines. Delight in watching them squirm like amoebas as their misdeeds come to light. But hold a grudge and hold it tight. If they survive this, you won’t.

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