Servants of the Seven Sins

9/30/2006

I don’t care what you do, I don’t care what you say
I don’t care where you go or how long you stay
Someday baby, you ain’t gonna worry po’ me any more
“Someday Baby,” Bob Dylan 2006

Since the sixth century AD or so, mankind has toyed with the notion that we should shun the septuplet of transgressions that lead us down the path of eternal damnation. These spiritual taboos are often referred to as “the Seven Deadly Sins.”

While lists may vary by area code and individual proclivity, the generally accepted slate includes: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, anger, envy and pride. Bad stuff. Don’t do ‘em.

This brings us to the topic of today’s disquisition, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.

I wanted to provide a nifty graphic of my thinking on this, but when I started drawing lines between members of the GOP Caucus and all their corresponding deadly sins, the damn thing got to looking like a Jackson Pollock painting. Hells bells people, you could make it seven sins to the seventh power and still not keep up with their shenanigans.

Don’t believe me? Let’s call roll. Tom DeLay, their prideful leader–the self-described “Hammer"–had to hand in his gavel because that indictment thingy. Duke Cunningham, the greedy guy in charge of Armed services, is serving out his term in jail. And Bob Ney, the gluttonous drunk otherwise known as the “Mayor of Capitol Hill,” is awaiting sentencing, having just confessed to taking bribes for official favors.

If that rancid rap sheet isn’t enough, they now have Mark Foley, the lustful, little-boy-ass-grabbing-lowlife-hypocrite they put in charge of missing and exploited children.

What’s that you say? I missed sloth? Please. Tell me that word doesn’t evoke the image of the slovenly delicious Speaker Denny Hastert who ostensibly runs this freak show. (If that still didn’t work, imagine him naked.)

In my capacity as King of this Web site, I have decided to issue the public a one-day pass on the deadly sin of anger–provided that it be committed on November 7, 2006 on the occasion of checking the box next to anyone other than the Republican seeking to represent you in the House of Representatives.

This should come as a particularly guilty pleasure in Florida’s red-faced 16th District. State law dictates that, at this late date, Foley’s disgraced name must remain on the ballot and any votes he receives will be transferred to whomever the GOP appoints to run for the office.

By the way, who would want to be that guy? What’s his campaign slogan going to be? “I am not the perverted ass pirate on the ballot, I just get his votes.

I’ll confess that until the House Republicans served up Foley as their parting shot at the 109th Congress, I was highly skeptical that they’d squander the fifteen seats needed for them to lose control of the chamber. It wasn’t like the Democrats were making much of a case to be back in charge. The only set of balls on that side of the aisle seemed, ironically, to belong to Cynthia McKinney, who misguidedly vented her rage on an innocent Capitol cop–instead of where it might have done some good, between the pasty legs of her pedophilic colleague Mr. Foley (R-Neverland Ranch).

But on balance, the Democrats’ timid transgressions leave them far closer to repentance than the debauched Republicans who are a mere fifteen seats away from that eternal damnation known as House Minority status.

Dante sagely defined the deadly sin of envy as the “love of one’s own good perverted to a desire to deprive other men of theirs.” And brothers and sisters that fits the House GOP like a boy-sized Speedo. We have not yet been fully deprived of our common good, but that end is near.

We have a chance on November 7th to get it right. Throw the sinners out.

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