Stand up for Liberty: Piss in Your Yard


The Muse lamented the loss of liberty in the U.S.A. in last week’s “Oodles of Googles.” Little did I know that our Internet search habits were but the nub of the Administration’s interest in our private and lawful activities.

This morning, I thought April Fools Day had come early when I was greeted by news that the G-men have sought and received permission from Washington, D.C.-area public service districts to test raw sewage for cocaine. I’m not making this up.

According to the Washington Post, Fairfax County, Va. has “agreed to participate in a White House pilot program to analyze wastewater from communities throughout the Potomac River Basin for the urinary byproducts of cocaine.”

In confirming the story, Fairfax County Board of Supervisors Chairman Gerald E. Connolly noted, “it’s a very strange request.” Apparently he is not acquainted with the Bush Administration.

Statistical analyses of vials of the vile fluid extracted from the treatment plant extrapolate that 25,000 Fairfax County residents have used coke in the past year. These data will be eminently useful in identifying the coke heads. Just arrest any citizen with a functioning bladder.

Team Bush couldn’t find WMD, Osama or Katrina, so now they’re sniffing around our toilet seats to try and ferret out coke heads. It’s rather quaint in a scatological kind of way.

The Republican Party used to stand for limited government. But under Bush it’s become the party of government without limits.

One can only imagine what other data they may seek from our sewage. Why stop at coke? Hell, now that they’ve got their hands on our urine (or our urine on their hands, take your pick), they ought to look for traces of steroids, trans-fats and French wines.

I bet they can even test turds for saffron, curry and tamarind, spices characteristic of Middle Eastern diets–you just can’t be too careful in a post 9-11 world.

It is good to know that with ballooning deficits and growing poverty in America our priorities have gone straight to the shitter. Actually, this may be a good thing. Because that is the one place we might locate what Bush has done with our Bill of Rights.

In the meantime, it is time for some civil disobedience. The next time nature calls, stand up for your liberties. Piss in your yard. Our forefathers will thank you.

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